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Stupid things you do when you are sleep-deprived.

This blog is titled: Stupid Things you’ve done because you are sleep deprived. And if this is a competition, I think I win.

Because this week, at 2am, I bought a Thermomix. By accident.

I had forgotten. A baby’s cry that pulls you only halfway out of the deepest sleep you have had in weeks is both a tender, pathetic mewling and a STUPID SHUT UP OH MY GOD I’M LEAVING okay I can’t even finish that sentence because I cannot SPEAK ENGLAND ANYMORE I am so tired.

I just woke up on my keyboard with the letter Y now imprinted on my forehead.

The bags under my eyes, which everyone pretends not to notice, have now bled into my lower cheeks.

Recently, my rip off, still super-expensive ThermoChef (see what they did there, with the name…so clever), broke for the third time, and is now out of warranty. This is like the end of the world to a mother who has had no sleep and is on GAPS.

There should be rules about mothers in my state, who are burnt out, and who dream of owning a Thermomix, being allowed to login to eBay after 8pm, because they MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY BID THE WRONG PRICE ON AN ITEM AND then the next day, they might get an email saying: “Congratulations! You are the winning bidder!”

And then this mother will pull a face, like, “Bidder? Did I bid on something?”

And then they will open the email, and in slow motion, the image of a brand new Thermomix appears and jolts their memories and then that voice in your head, you know the one, it’s really slow and sounds like a whale: “Noooooooooooooooooooooo……”